We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
