wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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