If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
