Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize