I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
