if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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