i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
