While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
