I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
