I accidentally burped into my bong.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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