Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
