Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
