Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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