I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
