Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
