i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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