He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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