I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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