he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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