i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
