Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
