What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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