Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
