I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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