Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
