i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
