Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
