my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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