I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Thank you for not boning my boss.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
