We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
