No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
