dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize