i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize