Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
