i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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