My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
