Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
