My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
