Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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