How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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