I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize