Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize