Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
