so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
