I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
