Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
