Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
