he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
