Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
