i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
