I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
