her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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