checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
