hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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